Mistaken beliefs about the opposite sex could mean missing out on something good
By Tom Blake
Nearly every week, I receive an email from a woman telling me the reason she doesn’t date much is that men are intimidated by her beauty, intelligence and confidence. In last week’s newsletter, Rose mentioned that a friend had told her that.
Maria, age 68, responded to Rose’s comment, “When we are happy with ourselves, we won’t see the need to change who we are by thinking that men are intimidated by intelligent, confident and attractive women. I don’t think most men are intimidated, but find women of this nature to be more interesting. Don’t cut yourself short ladies, just to fit an image you think men have. Be authentic.”
Bravo to Maria for saying that. And since she opened the discussion on men not being intimidated by women, let’s look into it further.
Not one single, older guy I know is intimidated by a woman’s intelligence, beauty or confidence. Take, for example, my friend Ken, a retired man, who visits my deli often. He’s tall, intelligent, good looking, a great dancer and financially comfortable. Ken is not intimidated by women with those qualities. In fact, he will only date women with those qualities.
Women who believe they intimidate quality men because of their intelligence, confidence and beauty are kidding themselves. Quality men appreciate those characteristics and other qualities such as kindness, consideration and thoughtfulness as well. Men I know do not look for women they can manipulate. They look for women who are equals.
California Guys are Jerks
And being a California guy, another issue that bugs me is when women suggest that all older, single California men, or guys from anywhere for that matter are jerks, as Sonya wrote in last week’s newsletter.
Maria also commented on that: “I live in California and as a New England-raised person, find men in California different in their outlook, and yes, their tendencies to want someone 10 or more years younger. But I also think they are not all bad and a lot of men do look for women their own age. If we hold the negative frame of mind that there are no good men here, that’s who we will attract, all the bad guys, like a magnet. I hope Sonya tries to change her attitude.”
Maria said after moving to California, she dated for a year and then stopped: “I decided this wasn’t the fault of California men (and I did a lot of blaming), but it was me and my negative attitude; I realized I had subconsciously put up a ‘no vacancy’ sign.”
“I’m waking up now, changing my attitude to a more open frame-of-mind and trying to figure out how to get to know men again with my confidence intact. (It’s why I’ve signed up to get these newsletters—good practical doses of reality and advice). There are plenty of high-energy, spiritual men around who are older.”
Healthy Relationships: The Need for Balance
And since we are on a roll with Maria’s thinking today, there is another point she made about later-in-life relationships.
“I believe the best kind of relationship offers each other balance. We don’t have to be exactly the same—I think the differences are much more interesting. The important thing is that each partner enhances the quality of life of the other through encouragement to develop who they are as individuals as well as who they are as a couple … leave expectations at the door except unconditional love for each other.”
With such sage wisdom, and a revamped attitude regarding men, Maria’s dating path will be much brighter than in previous years.
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Tom Blake is a Dana Point business owner and San Clemente resident who has authored books on middle-aged dating. See his website at www.findingloveafter50.com.